


I Think There Are Rules about This Sort of Thing

by Misscar



Series: What to Get the Captain and First Officer Who Have Everything but Each Other [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Allusions to Tarsus IV, Angst and Humor, BAMF Uhura, But I thought he was straight, Conspiracy Theory, Dildos, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Inappropriate Secret Santa gifts, Inappropriate crushes, Jim hates the winter season holidays, Jim needs a hug, K/S Advent Calendar, Kelvin Timeline, Lots of sex jokes, M/M, Matchmaker Nyota, Miscommunication, Not canon compliant for Star Trek Beyond, Oblivious Jim, Secret Admirer, Secret Santa, Sex Toys, Smiling when you want to cry, Spock is trying to change that, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, Women Being Awesome, offscreen minor character death, post STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 05:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Considering this was Enterprises first winter holiday season of the five-year mission, i.e, everybody was going to be away from their families, Jim thought that it would be a good idea to do something to cheer everybody up. That is why he said yes to his yeoman’s suggestion of doing a secret holiday gift exchange. If he knew he would end up opening something from the Red Light District Enjoy Yourself collection in front of his technically not legal yet intern, he probably would have said no. Bones is a dead man.<br/>For KS advent 2013</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think There Are Rules about This Sort of Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Part one of the series: What to Get the Captain and First Officer Who Have Everything but Each Other 
> 
> For KS advent 2013 
> 
> The prompt will be at the bottom to prevent additional spoilers
> 
> Rating: A light M for making me squirm and for lots of jokes about sex toys.
> 
> Relationships: Established Bones/Carol Marcus, "we're better off as friends" Spock and Nyota, and can they please get their act together Jim/Spock.
> 
> Beta: GraysonSteele
> 
> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters created by Gene Roddenberry and reinterpreted by J.J. Abrams. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It's my turn to play.

It was Enterprise's first winter holiday season in space (of the five-year mission, anyway). It was obvious to Jim that the separation was hard on a lot of his crew, especially for those who had loving families they actually wished they could be visiting right now. He personally wasn’t one of those people because he had one of those families where screwed up is one of the nicer things you can say about it. Sam was the only person left and considering the guy couldn’t find time to come back to San Francisco last winter to see their mom one last time, Jim just couldn’t deal with him this year.

 

This time of the year has always been pretty bad for him. First, the winter holiday season coincides with his birthday, a.k.a. the day daddy died. Next came the winter season that took place in the middle of a famine and genocide. Now, he has the events of last December to add to the miserableness of it all. To tell you the truth, the only things he likes about this time a year are chocolate Santas, alcohol laced eggnog and mistletoe.

 

He was happy to be several million light years from Sam and all the ghost of winter seasons past. Last year was bad, as in ‘I spent most of the time at the hospital while I waited for my mom to be taken off of life support’ bad. The whole thing was made worse because his friends were frolicking with their happy families while he was stuck dealing with this mess in San Francisco alone. When everybody came back, he told no one. He’s good at not telling people stuff at this point in his life. Most people don’t know about Tarsus or what the stepdad did to him. Except for his real friends, most don’t know that he actually came back from the dead and that is only because they saw the body. Sam did not know. Honestly, he wondered if Sam would actually care if he knew what really happened during the Vengeance incident.

 

So, yes he absolutely hates this time a year and is usually completely miserable until January 5, even if he's really good at hiding how miserable he really is. However, as part of his post death resolution to be the type of captain that Chris would be proud of, Jim decided to do something to cheer the crew up. The most important thing he learned from his childhood was just because you are miserable this time a year didn’t mean that you should make everybody miserable. (This is also why he’s been trying to act extra energetic and smile as much as possible, even if a part of him just wants to hide in his quarters until he turns 28.)

 

First, he was personally paying for the ultimate winter season party for the crew. Let’s just say he was compensated nicely for being purposely set up by Admiral Marcus to become Klingon bait. He was also the sole beneficiary to several life insurance policies for people that he loved dearly and would give anything to actually have back. He felt uncomfortable using the blood money for anything personal, so he decided to use it to spoil the crew, which according to Starfleet regulation 13.5 g7 was perfectly legal. A good party with lots of real alcohol and real food that they picked up during their November shore leave is something he is okay spending the money on. He and Spock also agreed to cover the bridge themselves with the bare minimum crew to let as many as possible enjoy the festivities.

 

His assistant/intern/yeoman, Kristen, suggested a secret Santa like gift exchange as a means to cheer people up. Even though there are like 400 regulations that dictate the type of gifts that crew members could give each other, he decided to allow it. He put Kristen in charge along with her cousin, Dr. Marcus, because the teenager needed some adult supervision for something like this.

 

Also against his better judgment, Kristen made him participate because she said that he needed cheering up more than anyone else. She probably said that because she is the only person on board who knows exactly what happened last December. She was a volunteer at the hospital where he spent most of last winter’s holiday season. Because it made her happy, he gave into her. Although, if he knew that he would end up opening a sex toy in front of his not yet 18 year old assistant, Jim would have said no. Really, it was his own fault for being impatient and not waiting until she left to deliver the other presents. He quickly shoved the very lifelike phallus back into the box, but Kristen was laughing hysterically at that point.

 

“You think this is funny?” He asked looking at the teenager.

 

“No, Captain.” She said between snickers and Jim just gives her the look. “Okay, yes it is. Thankfully somebody else picked up on you being absolutely miserable this entire month and thought that you could use a little cheering up.” Okay, he knew that Kristen knew that the happy-go-lucky captain exterior was fake, but he didn’t think anyone else would pick up on it. He is very good at keeping up appearances.

 

“So they sent me the Pleasure Seeker 9000?” He asked dubiously reading the label on the devise. He knows how something like this would cheer him up, but her cousin Carol will castrate him for corrupting Kristen if Jim tells her what that use would be. She may do that anyway.

 

“I don’t mean it that way because that would be creepy, unless it came from Spock. That really would cheer you up.” Kristen said with a wink. Jim just rolled his eyes at her. For some reason, everybody on the ship, except Spock, is convinced that he is actually in love with his first officer. He can’t decide if it’s annoying or funny.

 

“You spend way too much time with your cousin and I’m pretty sure that Spock doesn’t even know where to buy stuff like this.” His intern responds by trying not to laugh at his words. She’s doing a horrible job at it.

 

“If that is what you need to tell yourself,” Kristen mumbles under breath. “This is obviously a gag gift from one of your friends or at least I hope it is. This is obviously way over the 20 credit limit for a gift that anyone else can legally give you. I know I put that information in the email that went to everyone.” He’s shaking his head at her. She was so obsessed with rules and regulations that half the crew referred to her as Baby Spock. Okay, she got the nickname because she is also a master of the eyebrow lift.

 

“Please, don’t freak out on me. I know you put that in the letter. It may have also been a good idea to put something in about Starfleet sexual harassment policies. Don’t worry about it. If somebody else broke a stupid regulation, it’s not your fault. Wait, you know how much this type of toy cost?” Jim asked her incredulously once his mind caught up to the conversation.

 

“I am a 17-year-old, who has lost both her parents and her uncle before her 16th birthday. I haven’t been innocent for a very long time.” Kristen said, giving him a dark look. She had a very good point.

There was a reason why Jim had an underage assistant. Carol was the girl’s only decent living relative, and Jim really did not wish his own childhood on anyone, even Alexander Marcus’s niece. Because he wanted Dr. Marcus on his ship, it meant utilizing a rarely use loophole. Maybe this was another of his post death trying to be a better person/making amends things.

His new Admiral went along with it because she felt Jim would do less stupid stuff if he has a minor around. Jim wondered what she would think about him sharing his specialized computer knowledge with Kristen. His goal was for her to graduate the Academy faster than him and for her to be the second person ever to beat a certain unbeatable test.

“You’re right. You’re not a little kid and you have not been for a very long time, unfortunately.” Jim said with a sigh. “Don’t worry about people not getting your memo about the cost restriction. This is probably a gag gift from Bones anyway, so you don’t have to worry about someone violating the sexual harassment policy or whatever other rule was broken.”

 

“I’m just passing out the gifts,” she said a little too quickly. “You will have to ask Doctor McCoy. Carol designed the program to assign people, so I have no idea who was assigned to whom. Although, considering he’s sleeping with my cousin, I’m sure it wouldn’t be that tough for him to get you.” Bones has been dating Carol for the last four months and it’s been good for him. Now that he’s getting sex regularly, he’s a lot less grumpy.

 

“Good point,” he said as the teenager left to deliver the rest of the exchange presents.

 

* * *

 

 

“No, I did not have anything to do with you getting a dildo for Christmas, although I wish Baby Spock had a camera on her when you opened your present.” Bones said in between laughs when Jim confronted him about it. Jim forgot to mention that Bones was the one who first gave Kristen that particular nickname. After his favorite intern went on her way to deliver more gifts that were hopefully not of a NC-17 nature, Jim decided to confront the person that he knew would think giving him a Pleasure Seeker 9000 would be a good idea. Bones probably already emailed him a medical article about the correlation between orgasms and good heart health just to be an even bigger dick.

For the last 15 minutes, Bones has been denying it between bouts of obscene laughter. Really, it’s not that funny.

 

“I’m sure you would want a picture of that because you were the one who sent it,” Jim accused again.

 

“Christ, you’re annoying. For the 15th time, I did not get you a sex toy for the secret gift exchange. If I got you in the exchange, I would’ve given you a lump of coal for being my worse patient ever.” The doctor said in annoyance.

 

“No, you wouldn’t because coal is really expensive now that there’s so little left of it in the universe. I can so see you getting me a sex toy as a joke though.” Jim told him with a smirk.

 

“Even when we were roommates back at the Academy, you know that I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with your sex life and that includes purchasing your sex toys. It was bad enough I found one soaking in the sink once. ” Bones said in his defense.

 

“That’s true. However, in this case, it would be to throw it in my face that you now have a sex life and I don’t. As well as a reminder that the Pleasure Seeker 9000 is about the closest thing I’m going to get to anything, anytime in the near future. However, I would like to say that this is totally by choice.” Jim wasn’t jealous that Bones had a steady girlfriend or that said girlfriend was Carol Marcus. Maybe in another lifetime, he could have had something with Carol. He’s always had a thing for very intelligent individuals, but contrary to popular belief, he does not fuck his crew or his friends’ significant others. This became his standard after an incident during his first few months as a Captain, involving a nurse who apparently got the wrong idea from his touchy-flirty nature. Of course, that incident is why everybody thinks that he does fuck his crew.

It would be nice to not be totally alone during the most miserable time of the year. He’s almost 28 and has buried both of his parents and a parental figure as well as having died himself. Maybe he was too old to keep fucking around and maybe he did want something more from his sexual encounters than the same release he can get from the Pleasure Seeker 9000. Maybe, just maybe, that was the real reason he was a little jealous of Bones.

 

“Once again, I did not get you in the secret Santa gift exchange. I got the hobgoblin for this stupid thing.”

So that’s who got Spock in the exchange. Jim had spent at least three days trying to convince Carol to tell him who got Spock, so he could switch with that person, but she would not tell him anything. Okay, he could have hacked into her computer and found out that way, but that was just too easy and he wanted a nice distracting challenge. She had agreed to tell him only if he would tell her the real reason why he wanted to be Spock’s Secret Santa. She did not believe him when he told her that he wanted to be Spock’s Secret Santa to make sure that nobody got him an inappropriate or culturally insensitive gift.

 

“You got him a chess set, didn’t you?” The look that he was getting from his friend pretty much told Jim that that is exactly what Bones got Spock for his winter season present.

“So what if I did,” Bones said defensively. "He’s the most difficult individual ever to shop for, next to you anyway. You’re both really good at keeping everybody at arm’s length.”

“He’s not that difficult to shop for and that present was just lazy. You got him something that may trigger an emotional outburst. His mom was the one who taught him how to play and she’s also the one who gave him his current set. Even though it’s been more than two years, it’s probably best to avoid anything chess related because it's bad enough this time a year without being reminded of dead mothers via insensitive gifts.” Jim said, trying not to think of last Christmas in San Francisco, playing against Kristen in a hospital waiting room or his mom explaining the rules during the cold Iowa winter when he was just five years old.

“Shit!” Bones exclaimed. “Now I am going to have to get a different present.”

“He really loves 20th-century earth poetry. You can still order him a digital anthology or something now that it’s too late to get anything nice in hard copy.” Jim told him.

“Is that what you got him?” Carol asked from the door, smirking. Jim is sure that she has been listening to the majority of this conversation. Since they first met, Carol has been convinced that there’s something going on between him and Spock. She has a laundry list of reasons as to why, most of which include his breaking various regulations to save Spock’s life on multiple occasions. Her favorite is the time he broke the Prime Directive during the volcano incident. Also, according to Carol, Spock acts like a jealous teenager any time Jim spends more than five minutes with her, even after she started dating Bones. Part of him thinks that she’s just seeing things.

“No-yes-maybe-I don’t know,” Actually, he bought Spock a first edition anthology of Langston Hughes poetry, but he wasn’t going to tell Carol that. Besides, she was already smirking at him.

“It doesn’t mean anything. He’s a friend. Also, until four months ago, he was dating a woman. So, even if I did see him as more than a friend, it is just not possible for it to go beyond that.” Okay, Jim really wished he did not say that last part because now Carol was giving him the look.

“You of all people should know that having a girlfriend in the past does not preclude you from having a boyfriend in the future. Did you ever ask him why he and Nyota terminated their relationship?” Carol asked.

“No, that’s personal. Spock didn’t volunteer the information and I didn’t feel like it was my place to ask. Besides, it’s like the most amicable breakup ever. They still eat lunch together at least once a week.” Carol’s response was to just smirk at him as Bones throws his hands in the air.

“Look, this is not important. What I need is for your idiot boyfriend to confess to buying me an inappropriate toy for Christmas/winter holiday of your choice for whatever reason.” Jim said almost on the verge of screaming.

“Why do you want to know so badly?” Carol asked. “It’s not because you secretly wish that it was a certain Vulcan that bought you the toy? I’m sure you’re already thinking about how he can use it on you.” He hadn't been, but he was now. Thankfully, his command gold top discreetly covered a certain area at the moment.

“No, of course not,” Jim said just a little too quickly.

“Spock is probably the only person on the ship that you want to give you a toy like that for that type of reason. Anyone else would creep you out.” Bones mumbled under breath remembering another incident with another crew member. He was transferred from the ship after handcuffing Jim to his bed and trying to have sex with him. In the Lieutenant’s defense, alien spores were involved, but it was still a traumatic experience for everyone involved.

“That’s true. I mean, I’m worried because your cousin is freaking out over the fact that somebody violated the ‘Do not buy the Captain a gift over 20 credits rule’ and I really would like to calm Baby Spock down.” At this point, both Bones and Carol were giving him their ‘you have got to be kidding me’ look.

“Look, I promise my boyfriend did not order the Pleasure Seeker 9000 as a gag present. If he did order something like that, I would be the one using it on him.” Carol said with a smirk and Jim was pretty sure she meant it.

“Okay, I believe you. Also, ewwww, I did not want to know that - ever!’ With those parting words, Jim ran out of Bones’ office as quickly as humanly possible.

* * *

 

After leaving, Jim checked with the three other possible jokers who would feel comfortable enough getting him a gag present like that and Jim would be okay with it. (If anybody else got him that type of present as a practical joke, they were going to be spending a week in the anti-sexual harassment seminar with the ship psychologist.) Scotty and Sulu could not stop laughing and were also upset that Kristen did not have a camera with her. Scotty said he would've preferred the picture of that to the bottle of the ‘good stuff’ that he got from his own secret Santa which happened to be Jim, but Scotty didn't know that.

Poor Chekov couldn’t stop blushing and ran away. He was later informed by Kristen that his navigator may have a tiny crush on him, but knew nothing would happen because he was sure his captain was in love with his first officer. Seriously, why does the entire ship think that he is in love with Spock? (Okay, maybe he is, but there’s no sex involved. That’s because he’s positive the Vulcan is really, really straight but whatever.)

He didn’t bother to ask Nyota, because if she was going to get him a gag gift of a sexual nature, it would be a giant blowup sex toy that looked like a pig. Although, if she had gotten him a toy like this, Nyota would have included a card that played the original version of ‘U +Ur Hand’.

Neither did he ask Spock, because Jim probably would have started blushing as bad as Chekov. No, it wasn’t because he had a crush on his first officer. Honestly, no, it’s not. Seriously, he does not have a crush on Spock. If Spock did get him something like that, it wouldn’t be for mutual fun sexy time, but rather because Spock literally did read an article about the importance of orgasms to heart health. His friend was kind of obsessed with keeping Jim as healthy as possible after the warp core incident.

 

After that embarrassing little episode with his poor navigator, he felt it was in his best interest to break into Carol’s super-secret Secret Santa database to figure out who gave him a sex toy for the gift exchange. A joke from a friend he could let go, even if it was in extremely poor taste. With friends like his, he wouldn’t be surprised. Also like Bones said earlier, he does have a tendency to not share things and he supposes he is difficult to shop for. He will say one thing about this little mystery, it was keeping his mind off of everything that went down last December. He has actually gone three hours without thinking about it. That was a new record.

 

If the toy wasn’t a gag gift as Kristen suggested, that meant it came from an amorous crewmember which would be bad. First, he does not sleep with his crew. Second, he’s technically not even allowed to sleep with his crew. Actually, the only person he could have sex with that would not violate the fraternization policy is Spock, because Vulcans are exempt from the policy for reasons that are too classified for Jim to even know. Not that he wants to have sex with Spock…

Oh, fuck it. What’s the point of lying to himself? Yes, he wants to have sex with Spock, but he also doesn’t want to completely fuck up their friendship, because god knows, it took him actually dying for Spock to acknowledge that they were friends. Besides, other Spock said that they were really great lifelong friends the first time around, but didn’t suggest more than that. Now, Jim doesn’t believe in destiny or predestination, but you can’t make somebody not be a Kinsey zero.

 

After five minutes of ‘searching’, Jim found his name on the secret Santa list and thankfully, it was not a random amorous crewmember, but this possibility was much worse. Nyota was his Secret Santa. He had been certain that if she’d sent a gag gift, it would be something farm animal themed. Okay, maybe once upon a time, he would have been perfectly happy to get a sex toy from her, but that was before he started to see her as the sister that he always wanted growing up. A bad ass sister would have to be better than an annoying big brother who did not even bother to come to San Francisco when their mom...

 

Anyway, Jim really doesn’t think of Nyota like that anymore. This was going to be bad. He cares about her a lot and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. In an effort not to be a dick, he decides the best thing to do would be to return her present. Thankfully, she had a private room and there wouldn’t be any witnesses to this very embarrassing conversation.

 

“Why are you here? I already told you, I am not going to dress up as sexy Santa to deliver the presents.” She tells Jim as soon as her door opens. In retrospect, snide comments like that are probably the reason she thought it would be perfectly okay to give him a sex toy.

“Okay, in retrospect, I realize it was inappropriate for me to ask you to do that,” he told her as sort of an apology.

“Good, you are finally learning not to be a jackass,” Nyota said with a smirk.

“Besides Kristen has already delivered most of the presents and no, I did not ask her to dress up like sexy Santa. She’s not even 18. That would be wrong.” Nyota just shook her head at him.

“Speaking of the gift exchange, I cannot accept your gift. First of all, according to Kristen, it costs way more than the 20 credit limit. And I don’t even want to know why a 17-year-old knows how much the Pleasure Seeker 9000 costs,” Jim told her in a rush. He’s pretty sure some of his words actually ran together.

“I don’t think…” Nyota tried to interrupt, but Jim stopped her.

“Let me finish. You know I adore you, especially because you have no trouble whatsoever stabbing Klingons or being just your fabulous bad ass self. You are my favorite communications officer. Maybe, before I actually knew you, I did want to sleep with you because, well, you’re very hot. But, I just don’t see you that way anymore and that is why I can’t accept this from you.” By the time he finished, he was literally out of breath. This was without question the toughest thing he has ever had to tell her. So honestly, he was not expecting her to break out in to uncontrollable laughter.

“Why are you laughing?” Jim asked only slightly offended.

“Because I’ve already heard a similar speech once this year and you’re an idiot. A sweet idiot, but still an idiot,” She told him before she started laughing again.

“Hey, I resent that,” he shot back as he smiled. “I’m glad you only see me as a friend, because that’s how I see you.” He believed her, but that just made him more confused. “Then why did you buy me a sex toy?” Jim asked. “I mean a blowup doll shaped like a pig I would understand as a gag gift, but not a dildo.”

“Come on, I know you really don’t like farm animals. If I was going to get you a gag gift, I would get you an anatomically correct Vulcan blowup doll.” She joked or at least he thinks that she was joking.

“I never tried to hit on your boyfriend-- wait, they make those?”

“You’d be amazed what the Red Light District actually sells. Also he is not my boyfriend anymore, so feel free to hit on him whenever you want, as long as it’s behind closed doors. He hates public displays of affection, unless a near-death experience has just been involved.” She tells him, smirking. The scary thing is, Jim is unable to tell if she’s joking or not. “He also thinks quadratic equations are sexy.”

“Why does everybody think I’m in love with Spock?” He told her shaking his head once more. Really, is it that obvious? Jim has always been certain that the only person better at concealing their true emotions was Spock. The only person who had any clue that he really hated this time a year was Kristen and that was only because of what she saw last year and she refuses to listen to him when he says he’s fine.

“Because you are,” Nyota shot right back at him.

“Yes, as a friend. I mean, I’m not his type anyway, because of the penis.” That comment elicited more laughter.

“Yes, but you actually want to sleep with him. Did Spock ever tell you why we broke up?” She asked out of nowhere.

“So you’re telling me you didn’t buy me this?” He asked gesturing to the box in an effort to change the subject. It was bad when this was the preferred subject. “I mean, I know that you received a shipment from the specialty shop responsible for this.”

“I’m single, I don’t expect for us to have another shore leave for at least six more months, and we both know that it’s really stupid to have a one night stand with somebody that you’re going to have to work with for the next four years.” She explained without being explicit.

“Good point and I agree. So, is that the reason why you got me the Pleasure Seeker 9000?” He asked and she broke out in laughter again.

“Look, I traded with someone else because I had no idea what to get you other than an old book or more vintage albums.” She explained and he was a little disappointed.

“I would’ve liked that and it wouldn’t have sent me on this crazy wild goose chase to figure out who decided it would be a good idea to get me a sex toy.”

“Yes, but all those things are way over the 20 credit limit. Also, the one thing I know you really, really want doesn’t fit in a box and there’s no way he would consent to wearing a bow.” Jim is pretty sure he knows what she’s talking about, but he’s not going to touch that.

“The credit limit technically does not apply to you since we're friends and you wouldn’t be actually trying to buy my favor.” He decided to say that instead because he’s learned it’s best to avoid all the Spock related landmines.

“10 minutes ago you told me that you were returning this toy to me because it was over the credit limit?”

“I was using that as an excuse, because I don’t deal well with emotional confrontations.” He explained.

“That is the understatement of the century. Look, the person I traded with is a friend and he happens to have a crush on you and wanted to express his feelings for you via a gift. I decided to help him out, because I know from personal experience that he is bad at expressing any emotions whatsoever.” Okay, that’s not good.

“That’s worse and please don’t encourage people who have crushes on me because there is like only one person on this entire ship that I actually could date if he wanted to-- I mean, if I wanted to. Oh please, tell me it wasn’t Chekov. Kristen says that he has a crush on me and that is why he ran away blushing when I asked him about the special present.” Jim wasn’t sure what he would do if it was him.

“I don’t think the fraternization thing is going to be a problem with this particular individual and it was not Chekov.” She told him and Jim exhaled in pure relief. “Although Chekov does have a crush on you, he completely realizes that you’re head over heels in love with someone else.”

“Again, why does everyone think I’m in love with Spock?” Jim asked again with a sigh. Everybody constantly accusing him of being in love with Spock is just a little annoying.

“Did I say Spock? I think you protest just a little too much.” Jim’s response to her words was to actually stick out his tongue at her. “If you want to know who sent you this special present, you’re going to have to work for it. You said that you accessed the shipping manifests. You probably know everybody who received a package from that particular store.”

“18 people on the ship, but I stopped looking after I found my intern’s name on the list.” Jim said with a shiver.

“Look again.” Because he really wanted to know who gave him the present now, Jim quickly pulled up the file one more time and read the names. He knew that whoever it was had to be a personal friend of Nyota’s. When he read the second to last name on the list, Jim dropped his PADD. That’s when Nyota’s statement about the fraternization policy not being a problem actually registered in his head.

Fuck!

His ultra-straightlaced, by the book to the point that it almost ruined his career first officer got him a sex toy. More importantly, his super straight laced first officer has a crush on him.

What the Fuck? This is not his life. Good stuff does not happen to him.

“Really?” He asked feeling a little dizzy. It’s just not possible that Spock likes him in that way. There are some days where Jim doubts Spock likes him in any way.

“Yes,” she told him, and this time Jim believed her.

“Was I the reason why you guys broke up?” He asked after a moment. There had to be a reason why everybody kept asking him if he knew why the two decided to end their relationship.

“Not directly. Although, when a girl catches her boyfriend staring at his captain’s backside at least twice a day, it starts becoming very obvious why he’s not that into having sex with her.” She tells him evenly, without a hint of ice in her voice.

“So you guys broke up because Spock realized that he was gay?” He asked because that seemed to be the obvious conclusion.

“It was more like I realized he was gay and made him verify my hypothesis. It turns out I was right.” She actually laughed when she said this.

“Sorry,” Jim mumbled because he wasn’t exactly sure what to say to that.

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m not bitter about it. It’s just one of those things. I mean, we really do love each other, but not in that way,” she told him. She definitely didn't sound bitter or angry about it.

“You’re being cooler with this than most people would be, but that’s probably because you’re awesome.” He told her with a smile.

“Because I am awesome, I’m going to tell you that Spock really, really likes you and I know that you really like him. So, for everyone’s sake, will you, please, just tell him you know that he was your secret Santa and get it over with?” Nyota tells him as she literally pushes him out the door.

 

* * *

 

The thing is he doesn’t do is go to Spock’s room or anywhere else the Vulcan may be. He tells himself that he doesn’t want to bother Spock right now, because the Vulcan is most likely  working on a project, but he knows better. Jim still can't quite believe that Spock actually likes him and apparently decided that getting him something of the NC-17 variety was the best way to show this. Jim is sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for Spock’s unusual choice in presents - like one of his so-called friends convincing the Vulcan that it is the appropriate gift to give someone as part of the human mating process. Then again, with an ex-girlfriend like Nyota, Spock probably did think that type of gift was an appropriate way to show someone that you like him or her. If they were actually together, Jim would be okay with it, but… Jim really has no idea what to do.

How do you even begin this conversation? It’s not like he can walk up to Spock and say, “Your ex-girlfriend told me that you guys broke up because you spend way too much time looking at my ass. Can I kiss you now?” Jim is definitely not going to mention ‘the present’. It’s currently still on his bed in its original box. The thing mocks him every time he sees it emphasing the fact he can’t get the courage up to talk to Spock. It has already been a day and a half. He’s running out of time, because that afternoon he was going to have to spend quality bridge time with Spock while everybody else was partying. The only person who realizes that he’s avoiding Spock is, of course, Nyota which leads to a flurry of really ‘fun’ text messages.

 

UhuraNX: You haven’t talked to him about it have you? I know you have been avoiding him. You know that you can’t keep doing this forever?

 

KirkJT: No, I have not been avoiding Spock. I have been doing captain things.

 

UhuraNX: Yeah, right. We are currently in the middle of star mapping hell. You showed up at my door ready to return the gift as soon as you figured out I was your secret Santa.

 

KirkJT: You’re different.

 

UhuraNX: You’re terrified. Spock is not going to bite you, unless you ask him to.

 

KirkJT: I’m not terrified.

 

UhuraNX: No, you’re just completely in love

 

KirkJT: Maybe

 

UhuraNX: Thank god, you finally acknowledged it. As your friend and Spock’s, it is my duty to get you to two get over yourselves and work this out.

 

She doesn’t elaborate after that and Jim gets worried. He knows that she is planning something. Therefore, it does not surprise Jim when Spock shows up at his room with a giant box 30 minutes before they are supposed to take over the bridge allowing everybody else to enjoy the very first Enterprise winter season bash. In fact, he is sure that she arranged this.

 

Now that Spock was literally in his quarters, he still does not know how to begin this conversation. Getting the Kitty cat twins to come back to his apartment was easy. Dealing with Klingons that want to kill him was easy. Handling narcissistic, megalomaniacal admirals was difficult, but doable. Asking Spock why he decided to get him a sex toy for the secret Santa exchange after coercing his ex-girlfriend into switching with him because apparently he harbors a sort of secret crush on him was not easy – not even close.

Now, when faced with a difficult situation, his instincts usually take over. In this particular situation, his first instinct is to run away, but he doubts that Spock will let him. Spock’s twice as strong and probably can catch up with Jim in five seconds. Also, he is currently blocking the door.

Option two is to push Spock up against the nearest wall and kiss the man until neither of them can breathe and in such a way that it will make Jim forget his own name, let alone what the Vulcan got him for the winter season gift exchange or the miserable winter holiday seasons of years past. As Jim struggles for something to say to Spock, he notices that Kristen has covered his room in mistletoe; the only seasonal decoration he can tolerate. Therefore, he goes with option two, even if it means that the box in Spock’s hands falls to the floor.

Kissing Spock is-- there are not words in standard that describe what it feels like. His skin is on fire and his whole body feels alive. His heart is beatings so rapidly it feels like it’s coming out of his chest. He has never experienced a kiss like this before in his entire existence. So, of course, as soon as they break apart, it makes perfect sense that Spock asks the question.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Jim could easily blame the mistletoe, but that would be cowardly, especially in light of the fact that the guy did put his heart on the line with his particular secret gift.

“I could blame it on the mistletoe, but I wanted to kiss you. I like you—no, more than that, I’m a little in love with you and you terrify me… I mean, not that I’m terrified of you, but rather I’m terrified of what I feel for you. I can’t lose you-- you’re not just my friend or my first officer, you are everything and that terrifies me, because I’ve never felt like this before. People I love leave me. My dad died before I was even born. Chris died because I couldn’t save him. A year ago today my mom died because she didn’t want to be helped.” Jim stops there because he’s on the verge of tears. He doesn’t want to think about battered bodies and evil stepdads. Before he can get lost in the bad memories, Jim feels Spock’s lips on his, pushing everything away.

“I care for you as well,” Spock tells him when he pulls away. “I have no plans to leave you for the foreseeable future.”

“Why couldn’t you have said that instead of sending me the Pleasure Seeker 9000 as a sign of your affection? I haven’t dated that much, but I’m pretty sure that’s the type of gift you get somebody after the one-month anniversary.” Jim joked, but the Vulcan did not seem very amused. In fact, Spock seems very confused.

 

“What is a Pleasure Seeker 9000?” Spock asked raising an eyebrow. Jim is truly confused since Spock should know what the device is as he’s the one who ordered it.

 

“That would be the giant green sex toy that you presumably got me for the secret Santa exchange when you switched with Nyota.” Just for emphasis, Jim went over to where he had the toy and pulled it out for Spock.

 

Spock's eyebrow nearly reached his hairline. “Although, I am certain we may be able to find various uses for that, it is not the present I got for you from that particular vendor.” Spock told him as he went to pick up the disregarded present from earlier. His words caught Jim completely off guard. “This is a home massage kit with various body oils and an embroidered bathrobe. I did not give your gift to Kristen to deliver, because I wanted to assist you with it, personally. Nyota and a group of volunteers have agreed to cover the bridge in our absence this afternoon.” Jim realizes the massage kit is probably just as inappropriate as the toy, but really doesn't care. Jim's smile grows at the implied meaning of Spock's words.

 

“Wait, if you didn’t give me this, then who did?” Jim asked just before getting cut off by Spock’s lips again.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> All will be explained in the B side to the story: Operation Cheer Jim Up.
> 
> Summary: Spock is the only one of Jim's friends that realizes the man is more withdrawn then he was during their first winter in space together. In an effort to improve his friend and captain’s mood, he asks Nyota to let him take her place as Jim’s Secret Santa. Eventually, he realizes that this was probably ill-advised, especially thanks to a meddling intern who gets her ‘best’ ideas from 19th century Earth literature.  
> Original prompt: In a secret Santa, Kirk is given a buttplug/dildo and assumes it's from McCoy who protests his innocence. Kirk uses his superbrain to go through the computer records and traces the order for it back to Spock! How he confronts Spock is up to the author.


End file.
